If times are tough for you and you have trouble reining in your spending, I encourage you to come live in France. The stores are always closed, and when they are open, there is no customer service. If you have made the unforgivable mistake of buying something the wrong size or you have buyer’s remorse, just give up: you will never see your money again. After years of consumer experience, you learn that it is just so much better and easier not to buy anything at all. Good for the planet, too!
I bought a backpack recently and almost immediately found another in the garage that I’d forgotten about. I left for a trip, and when I got back I looked at the receipt to check the store’s opening hours. To my horror, the return policy said 15 days for a refund, and it was the 14th day in the evening. Unfortunately it happened to be Saturday, so it was obviously closed on the 15th day. I went in on the Monday and the cashier looked at the receipt and said that she would ask the manager if she could give me store credit. “But there is nothing else I want in this store,” I said in an exaggeratedly unassuming and non-confrontational way. She sighed and shrugged non-committally and after a considerable delay, called over the manager. I explained meekly that I had driven 40km round trip to come in on the 15th day to return it, but found the store closed to my great dismay. This was obviously a lie, but I was also playing on the dumb foreigner card - all French people know that everything is closed on Sundays, so I thought I might get somewhere by looking both moronic and pitiful. He shrugged his shoulders, looked at his watch and for some reason said, “OK, normally we don’t do a refund like this, but I will make an exception for you.” It was like winning the lottery. I GOT MY MONEY BACK! I nearly cried with emotion and was only just able to hold myself back from kissing him full on the lips with joy.
Of course you can also order things online - they are not cavemen here - but the situation becomes even worse. The delivery drivers do not actually deliver packages - they deliver little pieces of paper into your mailbox that say that you were not home but they tried (which is also a lie - I have been known to spot the truck from my window and chase the guy down in the parking lot after he failed to ring the buzzer). The piece of paper says that because you weren’t at home, you then have to pick up your parcel in a town 90 minutes away on toll roads that cost 25 euros roundtrip to travel. And woe to the buyer who buys the wrong color.
On a whim, this morning, I went to a pet supply store to buy my cat a harness and leash. There were only two on the shelf, which should have been a clue that demand for such a product was very low. (Alternatively it could have been a highly sought-after item that was nearly out of stock). What sane person would try to get a cat to go on a walk? I have been feeling guilty since I made my cat indoor-only after he brought me a live bird just as I was going off to work for an important meeting. I had to lock the cat in the bathroom while I got a towel to wrap up the terrified bird and release it outside. There were feathers everywhere. Look, my life is complicated enough without impromptu wild animal rescue activities.
At the checkout, I realized the cashier must have recently attended some sales training. He glanced at the leash (which he had probably never seen anyone buy before) and looked me up and down: “Is this your first cat?” “Um, yes it is.” “Would you like to buy this packet of tasty treats? It has extra vitamins and minerals, and your cat will love it!” My cat is on a bit of a diet because the well-meaning neighbors who looked after him while I was away went a little overboard on the kibble. Also, he doesn’t run around outside anymore. “No, thank you.” “Well, this is your lucky day anyway. Here is your receipt and a free sample of some of our products.” I became suspicious. “You are giving me something for free?” “Yes, we are having a promotion.” I thanked him and had a look at the plastic bag when I got home. Inside were three little packets of premium kibble and 27 identical cards offering a 10 euro reduction for purchases over 75 euros, with an expiration date 2 weeks hence.
So if anyone has a truckload of pets that they are planning to spend 2000 euros worth of Christmas gifts on, hit me up! Also, if anyone has a tiny kitten that they would like to take on a walk, I’ve got the gear for you - the one I bought is way too small.
connect with my sistah! Seriously. She has a new baby kitty kat